Will Your Donor Develop Attachment?

Choosing to use an egg donor to help create your family is a choice that can come with a lot of questions. The question of whether or not the egg donor will want to meet with the child that results from her donation is frequently asked. Rest assured that, in nearly all cases, the resounding answer is no, they will not.

For most donors, the detachment starts before the donation is even scheduled. Many of our egg donors tell us they do not feel attached to the eggs they will be donating in a maternal or possessive way. In fact, many donors tell us they experience a total disconnect from the eggs. The common sentiment seems to be one of, “These are eggs that I wouldn’t be using on my own. It’s OK to donate them to a loving family.”

Another point to remember is that donors do not go into this process blind. By the time you select them, they will have been screened thoroughly by a number of people, all of whom are interested in protecting everyone’s best interests. Donors go into the process with the goal of donating something priceless, so walking away from those eggs is usually met with satisfaction and achievement as opposed to attachment or regret.

All Growing Generations’ egg donors are extensively screened for any potential markers of developing attachment. While we can never guarantee how a person may feel at the conclusion of their donation, we can tell you that in over 20 years we’ve never heard of one of our donors regretting her choice.

If you have specific questions or concerns about a potential donor, feel free to address them with your case specialist.

Kim Bergman, PhD, a licensed psychologist of 26 years, has specialized in the area of gay and lesbian parenting, parenting by choice and third party assisted reproduction for over two decades. Dr. Bergman has created a comprehensive psychological screening, support and monitoring process for intended parents, surrogates and donors. She is the co-owner of Growing Generations and is a member of the American Society for Reproductive Medicine, the American Psychological Association, the Los Angeles County Psychological Association, the Lesbian and Gay Psychotherapy Association, and the Gay and Lesbian Medical Association. She is on the national Emeritus board of the Family Equality Council. Dr. Bergman writes, teaches and speaks extensively on parenting by choice. Along with co-authors, she published “Gay Men Who Become Fathers via Surrogacy: The Transition to Parenthood” (Journal of GLBT Family Studies, April 2010). Dr. Bergman’s is the author of the book, Your Future Family: The Essential Guide to Assisted Reproduction (Conari Press 2019) as well as the children's book You Began as a Wish (Independent Press 2019). Dr. Bergman created her own family using third party assisted reproduction and she lives with her wife of 35 years. She has two adult daughters.