Debunking Gay Parenting Myths

You may have become a surrogate with the goal of helping same sex couples have a family. Or perhaps you, like many of our first time surrogates, have not given the idea much thought. During your screening process, you will be asked if you’re willing to help same sex couples. We understand that, especially if this idea is new to you, you may have some questions or concerns about this prospective situation.

Know that most negative stereotypes about gay parenting through surrogacy stem from discrimination, misinformation, or a general lack of information. While nearly all of these claims purport to have the child’s welfare in mind, they are all based on unbalanced myths. Here are four of the most common myths about gay parenting through surrogacy.

Surrogacy is Narcissistic

Unfortunately, some people imply that the only reason a gay person would opt for surrogacy is to see their own reflection in physical form. What many people fail to understand is that, just like most heterosexual parents, many gay parents want to have a biological connection to their children. Secondly, as in the case of gay couples, often there is one partner who has no biological connection to the child, but who loves that child as if he or she did. Beyond all of this, gay parents must spend a great deal of time and money to have a child. As a result, this child is brought into an open, loving, and intentional home—something that doesn’t always exist in the traditional family.

Kids Need Parents of Both Genders

This is a common myth that has no basis in fact. Research has showed this myth to be false time and time again. The American Psychological Association has clearly stated that parental gender has little influence on your children’s well-being.[1] The most important requirements are being compassionate parental figures and providing necessary resources for the child.

Your Kids Will Be Gay

Boy George once said, “It takes two of them, to make one of us.” Probably no gay parent would ever protest if their children announced they were homosexual. That being said, children don’t necessarily inherit their gender or sexual orientation from their parents, so this claim is unfounded.

Gay Parents Don’t Have Stable Relationships

Reaching a point in your relationship where you want to raise a family is a reflection of the commitment between partners. Same-sex relationships built on love and commitment are just as strong as heterosexual relationships. In fact, according to Psychology Today, gay couples “can have better relationships than their heterosexual counterparts.”[2] Further, intentional family building, the kind we see gay parents developing, designs a home where the child is cultured, nurtured, and loved.

[1] http://www.wiley.com/WileyCDA/PressRelease/pressReleaseId-67057.html

[2] http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/disturbed/201311/gay-relationships-can-be-more-stable-straight-ones

Dr. Kim Bergman

Kim Bergman, PhD, a licensed psychologist of 22 years, has specialized in the area of gay and lesbian parenting, parenting by choice and third party assisted reproduction for the last two decades. Dr. Bergman has created a comprehensive psychological screening, support and monitoring process for Intended Parents, Surrogates and Donors. She is the co-owner of Fertility Counseling Services and Growing Generations and is a member of the American Society of Reproductive Medicine, the American Fertility Association, the American Psychological Association, the Los Angeles County Psychological Association, the Lesbian and Gay Psychotherapy Association, and the Gay and Lesbian Medical Association. She is on the national board of the Family Equality Council. Dr. Bergman writes, teaches and speaks extensively on parenting by choice. Along with co-authors, she published “Gay Men Who Become Fathers via Surrogacy: The Transition to Parenthood” (Journal of GLBT Family Studies, April 2010). Dr. Bergman created her own family using third party assisted reproduction and she lives with her wife of 28 years and their two teenage daughters.