Along for the Ride: A Real Time Surrogacy Experience

Introducing my new IPs!

Introducing my new IPs!


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Along for the Ride: Match Meeting


Have you ever been on a blind date? Maybe. Have you ever gone on a blind date with the hope that you’d agree to get pregnant on the second date? Probably not. In fact, my grandma would have called that kind of encounter something else entirely.

The match meeting process is kind of like that, though. It’s a blind date, but it’s a blind date with the weight of the world hinging on the success (or total failure!) of this tiny short little snippet of time. So, with that huge decision resting on the fate of a 60 minute meeting, what do I concern myself with? Clothes.

I always agonize over what to wear. Truth? I even agonize over what my HUSBAND will wear. In hindsight though, my clothing choice (pearls or diamonds? Heels or flats? Jeans or a skirt?) probably makes little to no difference. I bet if I asked them later, the intended parents would likely have NO idea what I wore on that day. I can’t recall what they wore, either. 

We arrived in California late and were whisked away to a very nice hotel. When we woke up the next morning, with the hotel patio door still open to let that warm southern California sun in, we were refreshed and… nervicited, (that’s nervous and excited at the same time) again. We poked at breakfast and wasted time until it was time to leave. Go time.  

Arriving at the GG offices is something fun. You have to be “on the list” in order to be buzzed in. I always kind of feel like a celebrity, like a person that matters. As a repeat surrogate, I love getting the chance to pop into the office a bit early to chat with the staff, many of whom I now consider friends after my first experience. It really does feel like a family. After a brief chat we were ushered into a room to wait. The intended parents had arrived. More nervicited.

The introduction is kind of like waiting for a bride to walk down the aisle.  There is a pomp and circumstance to it. You’re ushered into the room and formally introduced like the reigning Miss America. All parties are smiling ear to ear, sizing one another up, and bursting at the seams to get to know each other.  During the match meeting we talk about how each party arrived at surrogacy, what we hope for, what we want and what we need. You’ll go over important issues like reduction, number of embryos to transfer, and what happens in worst case scenarios. You also talk about fun things, like how you’d like the birth to go. If it’s a good match meeting, you need the facilitator to keep you on track, because you often wind up off on a tangent talking about a million things all at once. This match meeting was like that.

After we went through the formalities we were excused and encouraged to go to lunch together to continue the conversations we had been trying so desperately to have, but kept getting reigned back to business by the facilitator. In our case, my lovely new IPs had made lunch reservations for us at a bistro across the street from the GG offices. There we sat for hours (not even kidding. Hours), and talked about everything. How we grew up, what hobbies we enjoy, what kinds of pets we have, and even how we prefer our steaks to be cooked. It was honestly a no effort needed date. We all just simply hit it off. And to think, I was worried over my outfit!

Growing Generations likes surrogates and intended parents to take a full 24 hours to give the match one last thoughtful consideration before confirming, or declining, the match. But I’m not one for following the rules. At those close of our first “blind date” Chris & I, along with these new IPs, decided to confirm our match on the spot. At the close of our first blind date, we decided to get pregnant the next time we saw each other.



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Dr. Kim Bergman

Kim Bergman, PhD, a licensed psychologist of 26 years, has specialized in the area of gay and lesbian parenting, parenting by choice and third party assisted reproduction for over two decades. Dr. Bergman has created a comprehensive psychological screening, support and monitoring process for Intended Parents, Surrogates and Donors. She is the co-owner of Fertility Counseling Services and Growing Generations and is a member of the American Society for Reproductive Medicine, the American Psychological Association, the Los Angeles County Psychological Association, the Lesbian and Gay Psychotherapy Association, and the Gay and Lesbian Medical Association. She is on the national Emeritus board of the Family Equality Council. Dr. Bergman writes, teaches and speaks extensively on parenting by choice. Along with co-authors, she published “Gay Men Who Become Fathers via Surrogacy: The Transition to Parenthood” (Journal of GLBT Family Studies, April 2010). Dr. Bergman’s is the author of the upcoming book, Your Future Family: The Essential Guide to Assisted Reproduction (Conari Press 2019). Dr. Bergman created her own family using third party assisted reproduction and she lives with her wife of 35 years. Her two daughters are in college.