Along for the Ride: Next Steps

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Along for the Ride: A Real Time Surrogacy Experience

Next Steps

The days following the news of a failed transfer seem painfully slow. Will the intended parents throw in the towel, or will they want to try again? If they do want to try another transfer, how long will there be between now and then? What can I do differently this time to make sure it works?  

Generally following a failed transfer you can expect to receive a phone call from your case specialist, and maybe even Dr. Kim, as well as from your nurse. All of the support is meant to help you realize one thing; you didn’t do anything wrong, things like this happen, and the big one, we will (or will not) be trying this again.

My case specialist and intended parents let me know pretty much straight away that we would be trying again as soon as possible. We did have to wait to the doctor to sign off on another transfer, so that pushed us out a bit. But after about a month, I got a new calendar. The outline for our next try.

So now we get to start all over. I’ve just started medications today, and it’s time to begin gearing up for round two. I’ll be honest, having never had a failed transfer, I hadn’t given a lot of forethought to writing about the emotions surrounding a second try. I find myself feeling very guarded. More tentative than before, cautious about every step of the process.

I find myself reminding my heart of what I know to be true, surrogacy is worth it. Whatever “it” is, surrogacy is worth it. Every needle, every tear, every pound, and every cheer. Surrogacy is worth it all. So, here we are. Back at square one and determined to make it work this time.



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Dr. Kim Bergman

Kim Bergman, PhD, a licensed psychologist of 26 years, has specialized in the area of gay and lesbian parenting, parenting by choice and third party assisted reproduction for over two decades. Dr. Bergman has created a comprehensive psychological screening, support and monitoring process for Intended Parents, Surrogates and Donors. She is the co-owner of Fertility Counseling Services and Growing Generations and is a member of the American Society for Reproductive Medicine, the American Psychological Association, the Los Angeles County Psychological Association, the Lesbian and Gay Psychotherapy Association, and the Gay and Lesbian Medical Association. She is on the national Emeritus board of the Family Equality Council. Dr. Bergman writes, teaches and speaks extensively on parenting by choice. Along with co-authors, she published “Gay Men Who Become Fathers via Surrogacy: The Transition to Parenthood” (Journal of GLBT Family Studies, April 2010). Dr. Bergman’s is the author of the upcoming book, Your Future Family: The Essential Guide to Assisted Reproduction (Conari Press 2019). Dr. Bergman created her own family using third party assisted reproduction and she lives with her wife of 35 years. Her two daughters are in college.