Along for the Ride: Unexpected Twists

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Along for the Ride: Darn Ducks 

Here’s the thing about surrogacy. Just when you think you have all of your ducks in a row, one little quacker wanders off on his own and derails the whole caravan. Darn ducks.

Here’s what I know to be truth. The quickest way to ensure that your surrogacy journey is a terrible experience is to enter into it with rigid expectations and no wiggle room. I often tell people that sometimes surrogacy can feel like herding kittens. Yes, it is incredibly exciting. And yes, there are a ton of professionals working full time to provide you with the most predictable experience possible. Even so, I’ve never heard of a single journey where a little duckling didn’t wander off at least once.

That’s where we’re at, now. I should be posting about receiving my medical calendar, getting a transfer date, and the drama of the daily injections. But instead, we’ve had a little duck go astray.  

Our RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist, the IVF doctor) was doing a second review of my medical records, trying to ensure we have the most predictable experience possible, when he noticed a little something on one of my previous ultrasound images. He felt, while the area he saw was very tiny, that we needed to do another round of testing before moving forward with a medical cycle and transfer.

So it was back on a plane and back to California, this time for a hysteroscopy.

We were invited to stay as houseguests with our intended parents on this trip. It was such a nice visit with them. We ate at their favorite restaurants, walked through their neighborhood, and stayed up until the wee hours of the morning just chatting. 

The test went smoothly, by the way, and we are now cleared to move forward. It would appear we’ve reigned the rogue duckling back in line.

Here’s the thing. Surrogacy can be inconvenient. Was I particularly happy to leave my kids in order to fly to California for more testing with just a week notice? Frankly, no. BUT, we rolled with the punches and wound up having an incredible experience. We got an extra 36 hours with this beautiful family that we’re helping to create. We bonded with them, and we ensured that my body is in tip top shape to help them.

So, as you progress through your own journey, know that there will inevitably be stray ducklings. But, if you’re able to go with the flow and “roll with the punches,” that stray duckling may prove to be more exciting than annoying.  



From Match to Delivery: What you can (Typically) Expect

The 3 “Don’ts” of Gestational Surrogacy

Trust & Your Intended Parents

Dr. Kim Bergman

Kim Bergman, PhD, a licensed psychologist of 26 years, has specialized in the area of gay and lesbian parenting, parenting by choice and third party assisted reproduction for over two decades. Dr. Bergman has created a comprehensive psychological screening, support and monitoring process for Intended Parents, Surrogates and Donors. She is the co-owner of Fertility Counseling Services and Growing Generations and is a member of the American Society for Reproductive Medicine, the American Psychological Association, the Los Angeles County Psychological Association, the Lesbian and Gay Psychotherapy Association, and the Gay and Lesbian Medical Association. She is on the national Emeritus board of the Family Equality Council. Dr. Bergman writes, teaches and speaks extensively on parenting by choice. Along with co-authors, she published “Gay Men Who Become Fathers via Surrogacy: The Transition to Parenthood” (Journal of GLBT Family Studies, April 2010). Dr. Bergman’s is the author of the upcoming book, Your Future Family: The Essential Guide to Assisted Reproduction (Conari Press 2019). Dr. Bergman created her own family using third party assisted reproduction and she lives with her wife of 35 years. Her two daughters are in college.