Announcing Your Surrogacy News: A Word of Advice

The choice to become a surrogate is overwhelmingly exciting! It’s not unusual to be very excited to share your news with your friends and family. In fact, the choice to become a surrogate is rarely one that you can keep 100% secret, as you’ll find that you may need to rely on friends or family as early as the screening phase, since you’re likely to need a babysitter for your screening process.

So, once you’re accepted and matched into our program, how do you know when it’s the best time to share your news with the world? Since it’s probably not ideal or realistic to wait until the birth to share your pregnancy news, you have two simple time frames to choose between. Here are a few things to keep in mind.

Early Announcers

Most surrogates will choose to go public with their news well before they’re pregnant. This can be beneficial for many reasons. First, it allows the people closest to you the luxury of time. They’ll be able to thoughtfully consider the incredible gift that you’re giving, and come up with any questions they may have for you about the process, well in advance of the birth. You’ll also be able to gather support for the time that you’re on hormone therapy. While not typically difficult for most women, it can be helpful if those around you understand why your mood may be a bit off during this time.

Mid Pregnancy Planners

Other surrogates choose to wait until about halfway through their pregnancy to share the news of their surrogacy. This allows them some privacy from invasive questions and safeguards them against having to tell friends or family about a potential early pregnancy loss. By waiting until the midway point of your pregnancy, you ensure a bit of peace and privacy for your family.

When it comes to telling your boss, delayed sharing allows you to keep the secret a bit longer in the sad possibility of an early miscarriage. Some women also feel as though their bosses would not allow time away from work for important surrogacy appointments or procedures. If this is your situation, feel confident knowing you are not required to tell your boss why you’re missing work for medically related absences.

As for your children, a handful of variables will come into play. Things like your children’s ages, maturity levels, and general awareness all play into choosing when it is best to tell them your surrogacy plans. Here’s a more in-depth look at that decision-making process.

A word on Social Media

Social media is never secret. Even if your social media accounts have the highest level of security, you’ll find that word can travel pretty quickly. The whole premise of social networking is that it makes it easy to follow the lives of friends and family without direct interaction. We mention this as a reminder that if you’re not ready for your boss, your brother, or your butcher to know your news, it’s probably not the time to talk about it on social media.

 

Dr. Kim Bergman

Kim Bergman, PhD, a licensed psychologist of 26 years, has specialized in the area of gay and lesbian parenting, parenting by choice and third party assisted reproduction for over two decades. Dr. Bergman has created a comprehensive psychological screening, support and monitoring process for Intended Parents, Surrogates and Donors. She is the co-owner of Fertility Counseling Services and Growing Generations and is a member of the American Society for Reproductive Medicine, the American Psychological Association, the Los Angeles County Psychological Association, the Lesbian and Gay Psychotherapy Association, and the Gay and Lesbian Medical Association. She is on the national Emeritus board of the Family Equality Council. Dr. Bergman writes, teaches and speaks extensively on parenting by choice. Along with co-authors, she published “Gay Men Who Become Fathers via Surrogacy: The Transition to Parenthood” (Journal of GLBT Family Studies, April 2010). Dr. Bergman’s is the author of the upcoming book, Your Future Family: The Essential Guide to Assisted Reproduction (Conari Press 2019). Dr. Bergman created her own family using third party assisted reproduction and she lives with her wife of 35 years. Her two daughters are in college.