From Match to Delivery: What every surrogate should know

From matching until delivery, your surrogacy journey will likely take 18 months or longer. It could be shorter, but it is safe to count on a minimum of 18 months. As you can see, it’s really important that you are committed for the long haul. Many surrogates will participate in more than one transfer before they get pregnant, this is not unusual. Every surrogate thinks they will get pregnant on the first try, but many won’t, so if you do not get pregnant, please don’t worry.

At the same time, it is really important that you are on board for the marathon. While we don’t expect you to put your life on hold for the next 18 months or so, there will be days that surrogacy will have to come first and those days can be very inconvenient. For example, you may have a day where you have a million things planned, maybe even a special event at your child’s school, and that day you wake up with swollen ankles and the doctor puts you on bed rest for three days. Like any marathon, some miles will be easy, some hard, some boring, some exhilarating, so it is important to keep your eye on the target . . . seeing the parents holding their baby and becoming a family.

Keeping all this in mind, it is super important that you:

• stay committed
• be willing to be inconvenienced
• keep your eye on the end result

We are here to help and be your partners:

There are many layers of support as you go through this journey:

• You will have a Case Specialist who will be your point person as you go through the surrogacy. They will help you with all of the logistics, timing, appointments, etc. If you have any questions they are your go-to.

• You will also have the Psych Team at Fertility Counseling Services who will support you in a number of ways: you can call or email anytime you need anything, we will call you at different markers in your journey, we have monthly surrogate support calls where all the surrogates get together on the phone with me and share their experiences and questions. Lastly, we have an online support system where you will get a monthly email reminding you to log in and once there, you will take a survey to let me know how you are doing. The survey is required, but most surrogates tell me that it is really fun and quick.

• You will have the nurses at the doctors’ office who will be there to help you with all of the medical aspects of the process.

Surrogacy is a collaboration of many people all coming together to help someone become a parent and YOU are central to that team and we are your partners!!

Kim Bergman, PhD, a licensed psychologist of 26 years, has specialized in the area of gay and lesbian parenting, parenting by choice and third party assisted reproduction for over two decades. Dr. Bergman has created a comprehensive psychological screening, support and monitoring process for Intended Parents, Surrogates and Donors. She is the co-owner of Fertility Counseling Services and Growing Generations and is a member of the American Society for Reproductive Medicine, the American Psychological Association, the Los Angeles County Psychological Association, the Lesbian and Gay Psychotherapy Association, and the Gay and Lesbian Medical Association. She is on the national Emeritus board of the Family Equality Council. Dr. Bergman writes, teaches and speaks extensively on parenting by choice. Along with co-authors, she published “Gay Men Who Become Fathers via Surrogacy: The Transition to Parenthood” (Journal of GLBT Family Studies, April 2010). Dr. Bergman’s is the author of the upcoming book, Your Future Family: The Essential Guide to Assisted Reproduction (Conari Press 2019). Dr. Bergman created her own family using third party assisted reproduction and she lives with her wife of 35 years. Her two daughters are in college.