Handling Comments About Intended Parents

pregnant couple

Another sensitive subject that is frequently visited with surrogates is money. Not only the amount of compensation you will receive, but also the financial status of the intended parents you’re working with.

No one likes to talk about how much money they make. It is perhaps even more uncomfortable to be asked to speculate on the amount of money someone else is spending on you or for the service of surrogacy. Considering news stories and tabloid articles highlighting only wealthy celebrities as having used surrogates, you can hardly blame inquiring minds for immediately assuming that the intended parent(s) are in a very good place financially.

Try to avoid knee jerk reactions or replies that can seem aggressive, since most people are genuinely just curious about this new horizon called surrogacy. A good way to divert attention from the money being spent on surrogacy is to stop the discussion dead in its tracks and redirect the course of conversation. Phrases like, “I don’t know how much it costs or how much they make, but I do know how excited they are to welcome this baby!” answers the fiscal question and moves conversation along to something else everyone loves to talk about; babies!

This is your opportunity to show people another face of surrogacy, one where normal everyday people have need of a surrogate as well as the finances to procure one. Talking about how normal and down to earth your intended parent(s) are can not only take the awkward moments out of your discussion, but also open minds about the type of person who uses a surrogate, as well as the fact that real life people can afford third party reproduction.

Dr. Kim Bergman

Kim Bergman, PhD, a licensed psychologist of 26 years, has specialized in the area of gay and lesbian parenting, parenting by choice and third party assisted reproduction for over two decades. Dr. Bergman has created a comprehensive psychological screening, support and monitoring process for Intended Parents, Surrogates and Donors. She is the co-owner of Fertility Counseling Services and Growing Generations and is a member of the American Society for Reproductive Medicine, the American Psychological Association, the Los Angeles County Psychological Association, the Lesbian and Gay Psychotherapy Association, and the Gay and Lesbian Medical Association. She is on the national Emeritus board of the Family Equality Council. Dr. Bergman writes, teaches and speaks extensively on parenting by choice. Along with co-authors, she published “Gay Men Who Become Fathers via Surrogacy: The Transition to Parenthood” (Journal of GLBT Family Studies, April 2010). Dr. Bergman’s is the author of the upcoming book, Your Future Family: The Essential Guide to Assisted Reproduction (Conari Press 2019). Dr. Bergman created her own family using third party assisted reproduction and she lives with her wife of 35 years. Her two daughters are in college.