Handling Offensive Questions

It’s perhaps one of the more offensive things you can ask an Intended Parent. “Why didn’t you just adopt?” The question becomes even more awkward when strangers are asking you, their surrogate, this incredibly invasive and personal question.

Bear in mind that it is not your job to justify or explain the family growing choices of your intended parents. In some cases you may not know the exact reasons that your intended parents chose surrogacy over adoption. Even if you do know, sharing their personal decision with others can leave you feeling as if you’ve somehow violated their trust.

Just as parents of children conceived naturally have the choice of bearing their own offspring or adopting the offspring of others, parents of children born via surrogacy have a right to a say in the way in which they choose to grow their families. Assuming that adoption should be the only option available to those who struggle with infertility can be hurtful.

While adoption is indeed a beautiful way to grow a family, it may not be right for every family. Perhaps the surrogacy process is desirable to the intended parents as opposed to the home visits and child selection process of adoption.

Choosing surrogacy gives intended parents the option of having a biological and genetic link to their child while also having a say in the conditions in which their child is grown. Many intended parents want to be a part of the pregnancy and birth process, something that is more rare in adoption scenarios. No child born of surrogacy was ever unintended and is always highly anticipated and loved.

Whatever their reasons for arriving at surrogacy, parents who have chosen this option to grow their family are making the choice they believe to be best for their growing family. Families can be grown in different manners for a variety of reasons.

Reminding inquiring minds, who are often unaware that such a question can be so invasive and personal, of the beauty of choice can help put things into perspective. Simply put, all parents are just making the choices they believe are best for their families. This reminder can help diffuse this potentially awkward moment.

Teo Martinez

Teo Martinez is the CEO of Growing Generations, a surrogacy and egg donation agency headquartered in Los Angeles, CA. Educated at both UCLA and Pepperdine University, and with over 15 years of experience working in assisted reproduction, Teo’s background makes him one of the most experienced and accomplished professionals in the field.