Personal Surrogacy Questions

looking at pregnant belly

During your surrogacy journey, you will undoubtedly be asked personal, invasive, and insensitive questions. These questions are likely to come at you from all directions. We regularly hear that our surrogates are being asked the same questions over and over. They hear everything from, “How can you give your baby away?” to “You had to sleep with someone else’s husband?” Our surrogates tell us they’re often at a loss for words for how to reply to these and other similar questions.

Here’s the bottom line: you never have to answer any of these questions if you’re uncomfortable. Most of these questions stem from a place of ignorance on the subject matter as opposed to a place of meanness. Even so, it is not your responsibility to educate those who are ignorant if it makes you uncomfortable.

The best way to receive these comments is to just, “take them with a grain of salt,” meaning that you don’t put much weight behind the words. Your choice to become a surrogate was likely formed from a place of altruistic generosity and love, making it a choice you don’t need to defend. Allowing others to cast shadows on something you’re proud to be a part of will not bring you joy. Additionally, any response on your end is not likely to change another person’s mind if he or she is against what you’re doing.

In the event that you do feel comfortable talking about your choice, approaching the other person with empathy, honesty, and education can go a long way towards helping them understand the science behind what you’re doing, as well as the emotion that comes along with the process.

If you don’t want to continue the conversation, it’s perfectly acceptable to just smile and change the subject. Simply take negative comments with a grain of salt and move along.

Dr. Kim Bergman

Kim Bergman, PhD, a licensed psychologist of 26 years, has specialized in the area of gay and lesbian parenting, parenting by choice and third party assisted reproduction for over two decades. Dr. Bergman has created a comprehensive psychological screening, support and monitoring process for Intended Parents, Surrogates and Donors. She is the co-owner of Fertility Counseling Services and Growing Generations and is a member of the American Society for Reproductive Medicine, the American Psychological Association, the Los Angeles County Psychological Association, the Lesbian and Gay Psychotherapy Association, and the Gay and Lesbian Medical Association. She is on the national Emeritus board of the Family Equality Council. Dr. Bergman writes, teaches and speaks extensively on parenting by choice. Along with co-authors, she published “Gay Men Who Become Fathers via Surrogacy: The Transition to Parenthood” (Journal of GLBT Family Studies, April 2010). Dr. Bergman’s is the author of the upcoming book, Your Future Family: The Essential Guide to Assisted Reproduction (Conari Press 2019). Dr. Bergman created her own family using third party assisted reproduction and she lives with her wife of 35 years. Her two daughters are in college.