Repeat Surrogacies

Pregnant woman in field

Many of our surrogates enjoy the surrogacy journey so much that they are willing to return and help create more families. Despite having an admirable willingness to do a good deed and help these couples, we hear that from time to time the decision to become a repeat surrogate is met with considerably less favorable opinions from friends and family than the original decision to become a surrogate.

This seeming change in support can stem from a variety of reasons. Some people may feel that by undergoing an additional pregnancy you are putting undue stress on your body, and are therefore behaving carelessly. Others may feel as though, while a first surrogacy was done out of altruistic origins, a new journey would only be desired out of financial motives. No matter what the reason for a change in support, it can be a painful thing to hear, and leave you stumbling for a proper response.

First, know that neither of these concerns are generally true. Our surrogates are all required to undergo a rigorous screening process that eliminates women seeking out surrogacy for financial gain or from beginning a journey that our medical experts feel is not in the best interest of her health. Repeat surrogate applicants must submit to this rigorous screening process with each new journey.

Just as with your original journey, know that differing opinions will continue to present themselves throughout your experience. Continuing to meet critics with a non-defensive response filled with education may help them understand why you’re choosing to become a repeat surrogate. Sharing your motives, reminding them that you’ve been screened and cleared medically, and assuring them that this is a decision you have put a great deal of thought into can help those around you feel more grounded in supporting your choice.

In the end, the only support that you are required to have is that of your partner. While it can feel frustrating to have others disagree with your decision to embark on a new journey, know that your decision is about to change the lives of the family you will help create. You are giving a beautiful gift, and it’s one that not everyone is able to give. Be proud of your choices. If you are having a particularly difficult time with a particular relationship as a result of your surrogacy, also know that you can reach out to Dr. Kim Bergman for additional support.

Dr. Kim Bergman

Kim Bergman, PhD, a licensed psychologist of 26 years, has specialized in the area of gay and lesbian parenting, parenting by choice and third party assisted reproduction for over two decades. Dr. Bergman has created a comprehensive psychological screening, support and monitoring process for Intended Parents, Surrogates and Donors. She is the co-owner of Fertility Counseling Services and Growing Generations and is a member of the American Society for Reproductive Medicine, the American Psychological Association, the Los Angeles County Psychological Association, the Lesbian and Gay Psychotherapy Association, and the Gay and Lesbian Medical Association. She is on the national Emeritus board of the Family Equality Council. Dr. Bergman writes, teaches and speaks extensively on parenting by choice. Along with co-authors, she published “Gay Men Who Become Fathers via Surrogacy: The Transition to Parenthood” (Journal of GLBT Family Studies, April 2010). Dr. Bergman’s is the author of the upcoming book, Your Future Family: The Essential Guide to Assisted Reproduction (Conari Press 2019). Dr. Bergman created her own family using third party assisted reproduction and she lives with her wife of 35 years. Her two daughters are in college.