Surrogacy & Your Partner

 410998_10150476845327960_979105626_o

You’re a surrogate? How does your partner or spouse feel about that?

It’s one of the many questions surrogates commonly field during their journey. As with many of the questions surrogates are asked, this one is likely founded in a lack of knowledge about gestational surrogacy. Many people assume that if a woman is pregnant, she must have slept with the baby’s father, or at a minimum, she provided her egg to create the child.

The easiest way to address this question is through education. You can begin by explaining that, as a gestational carrier, the child inside of your uterus has no biological relationship to you.

Reminding them that neither the sperm nor the egg have DNA from a partner or from you can clear up some confusion. It also removes the immediate assumption that a pregnant woman must have a biological link to the child she is carrying.

You can also feel free to remind them that with Growing Generations, your partner or spouse has to be supportive and on board with the surrogacy in order for you to become a surrogate. This will answer their underlying question- does your spouse or partner support your choice to be a surrogate?

Many of our surrogates tell us that their significant others play a first-hand role in the journey as well. From managing the financial and paperwork aspects to administering the nightly injections, many spouses and partners find themselves actively involved in the process. Illustrating these acts of involvement can help show that this is a decision that is made by an entire family.

If your partner is comfortable with the idea, you can even invite the person asking the question to talk with your spouse directly. Opening the door to one on one communication can help educate others and lead to a deeper understanding of surrogacy as a whole. You never need to defend your choice to be a surrogate to anyone, and being a surrogate is a life changing experience for you, your entire family, and the family you are helping.

Dr. Kim Bergman

Kim Bergman, PhD, a licensed psychologist of 26 years, has specialized in the area of gay and lesbian parenting, parenting by choice and third party assisted reproduction for over two decades. Dr. Bergman has created a comprehensive psychological screening, support and monitoring process for Intended Parents, Surrogates and Donors. She is the co-owner of Fertility Counseling Services and Growing Generations and is a member of the American Society for Reproductive Medicine, the American Psychological Association, the Los Angeles County Psychological Association, the Lesbian and Gay Psychotherapy Association, and the Gay and Lesbian Medical Association. She is on the national Emeritus board of the Family Equality Council. Dr. Bergman writes, teaches and speaks extensively on parenting by choice. Along with co-authors, she published “Gay Men Who Become Fathers via Surrogacy: The Transition to Parenthood” (Journal of GLBT Family Studies, April 2010). Dr. Bergman’s is the author of the upcoming book, Your Future Family: The Essential Guide to Assisted Reproduction (Conari Press 2019). Dr. Bergman created her own family using third party assisted reproduction and she lives with her wife of 35 years. Her two daughters are in college.