Surrogate Stories: Carrie

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I am not one of those people who always knew she’d be a surrogate. In fact, I never even thought about it until I saw an ad for another company. I loved being pregnant, I had easy pregnancies, and I thought this would be an amazing thing to do for another family. I thought it was interesting, so I starting doing a lot of research. In the middle of that research it hit me. I spend every waking moment doing things with or for my children. Surrogacy is more than just having a baby, surrogacy is helping someone else have the single best part of my life; children.

My husband didn’t need much convincing, so we went for it! Once we were with Growing Generations it was like a whirlwind experience. We got our first profile and it was like love at first sight. It all happened so quickly and easily. The pregnancy was good and the birth was the most wonderful experience, life changing! It was magical to watch these two men become fathers. It was unlike anything I’ve experienced.

You see, for months I’d send cute videos and photos to the dads. We’d exchange weekly emails and have monthly visits. I’d see them with their other son, so I knew exactly how much these twins were wanted. I knew, without a doubt, how loved they’d be. Even so, I wasn’t really prepared for the moment the babies were born. The look on the dads’ faces was that of pure love. That kind of raw emotion overwhelms you, takes your breath away and it changes how you feel about the whole surrogacy process. The painful shots that they warn you about (but honestly, no one can really explain how your behind will feel after 10 weeks of shots) and all of the other not so fun parts of pregnancy, they all seem so small and insignificant in comparison to that moment.

Following the birth there were all kinds of emotions for me. I wasn’t sad, but I did feel a bit lost as to, “what’s next.” For about a year, I had a huge job. I was loving and growing these babies, taking the best care possible of two little people that were so wanted and so loved. I went to doctor appointments, I sent photos and updates to their dads, we Emailed, we talked on the phone, and then in a day, my role changed. No one really tells you about that feeling of, “what do I do now?” when it’s time to just get back to your own life.

But those feelings fade, and you always go back to that one moment at the birth, and if you’re lucky, to the continuing relationship.

It’s that moment that keeps you coming back to do it again and again. In fact, that feeling led me first to create a second family, and then eventually to create a sibling for the twins of my first intended fathers. I’ll likely be done carrying after this sibling journey. But if we’re being honest, I’d always be open to one more. If this is the last time I do this, I’ll take it and be happy because I have grown nine babies and made three families (including my own). How many other people can say that? How could I NOT be happy?

Dr. Kim Bergman

Kim Bergman, PhD, a licensed psychologist of 26 years, has specialized in the area of gay and lesbian parenting, parenting by choice and third party assisted reproduction for over two decades. Dr. Bergman has created a comprehensive psychological screening, support and monitoring process for Intended Parents, Surrogates and Donors. She is the co-owner of Fertility Counseling Services and Growing Generations and is a member of the American Society for Reproductive Medicine, the American Psychological Association, the Los Angeles County Psychological Association, the Lesbian and Gay Psychotherapy Association, and the Gay and Lesbian Medical Association. She is on the national Emeritus board of the Family Equality Council. Dr. Bergman writes, teaches and speaks extensively on parenting by choice. Along with co-authors, she published “Gay Men Who Become Fathers via Surrogacy: The Transition to Parenthood” (Journal of GLBT Family Studies, April 2010). Dr. Bergman’s is the author of the upcoming book, Your Future Family: An Essential Guide to Assisted Reproduction (Red Wheel Press 2019). Dr. Bergman created her own family using third party assisted reproduction and she lives with her wife of 35 years. Her two daughters are in college.