Surrogate Stories: Marissa


My choice to become a surrogate predates not only the births of my own children, but also my marriage! When I was about 18 or 19 I saw a documentary on surrogacy. It was so moving! It touched something in my heart and in my soul and I just knew that one day I would do this. So, when I met the man I would eventually marry, I told him within month of us dating that this is something I wanted to do one day when I knew I was done having children of my own. He thought it was a little crazy, but cool, and that was that.

After I had each of my girls, the feeling inside me to be a surrogate grew more intense. The emotion involved with giving the feeling of having a child of your own to someone grew tremendously both times.  So, almost 8 years later, I told my husband that it was time to really pursue surrogacy. He was all in.

The next several months went REALLY fast!! I was warned when applying and as each step progressed that it could take some time to do things, but it felt like it all went really quick.  We received two profiles. We read the second one and LOVED them! I think the in person match meeting stands out the most as one of my favorite memories. It was like a blind date. I think we were all a little nervous. After our meeting we went to lunch and it was all so natural. Lifelong friends were made that day!

The pregnancy was pretty typical, no real surprises. The best moments had to be when I was able to include the dads in the pregnancy. I filmed and shared belly movement videos and heart beat videos. They came for the 20 week ultrasound scan. Being able to include them in all of that was amazing. Thank goodness for technology!

Just like everything else, the birth went fast. SO FAST!! My water broke at home just one day after my 38 week checkup. From water breaking to birth took just four hours! The little girl they had waited so long to have was here in just a few quick pushes.

It was the most amazing feeling EVER to see the dads’ faces as they watched their baby girl be born; seeing their tears of joy and seeing their dream come true. They were so supportive and excited through the quick couple of hours, and in the end in love.

I had waited more than a decade to become a surrogate. Such a long wait for such a fast journey. The part I’ll never forget is then when they were leaving. One of the new dads told me how much they loved me, and that he considered me his “bestest friend.”

To me, surrogacy is growing a little piece of love. Creating a family and seeing the in-explainable love, happiness, and joy I felt when I had my girls, that’s a pretty special thing. So, will I do this again? YES YES YES! But, that journey will have to wait a year or so, as my family and I have been invited as guests of honor to Holly’s first birthday.

Dr. Kim Bergman

Kim Bergman, PhD, a licensed psychologist of 26 years, has specialized in the area of gay and lesbian parenting, parenting by choice and third party assisted reproduction for over two decades. Dr. Bergman has created a comprehensive psychological screening, support and monitoring process for Intended Parents, Surrogates and Donors. She is the co-owner of Fertility Counseling Services and Growing Generations and is a member of the American Society for Reproductive Medicine, the American Psychological Association, the Los Angeles County Psychological Association, the Lesbian and Gay Psychotherapy Association, and the Gay and Lesbian Medical Association. She is on the national Emeritus board of the Family Equality Council. Dr. Bergman writes, teaches and speaks extensively on parenting by choice. Along with co-authors, she published “Gay Men Who Become Fathers via Surrogacy: The Transition to Parenthood” (Journal of GLBT Family Studies, April 2010). Dr. Bergman’s is the author of the upcoming book, Your Future Family: The Essential Guide to Assisted Reproduction (Conari Press 2019). Dr. Bergman created her own family using third party assisted reproduction and she lives with her wife of 35 years. Her two daughters are in college.