Talking With Your Kids About The End of Your Journey

couple with baby

As the end of your surrogacy journey draws near, it may be a good idea to remind your children that the baby you’ve been carrying is not coming home with you after the birth. Chances are good that you explained this to them in the early stages of your journey and that you’ve reminded them of this reality through the course of the last several months as well. Even so, things can seem different to little people once the baby is a real, tangible thing that they can see and touch.

Reminding your children that the baby in your belly is a long awaited family member for your intended parents can help them understand that they aren’t losing a sibling at all. Some surrogates have even framed photos of their intended parents and displayed them prominently in their homes. This daily visual aid can help make these otherwise rarely seen people seem more real to your children. It also helps them identify with where the baby will be living after the birth.

There are also a multitude of children’s books that introduce the idea of surrogacy on a child’s level. These books can open the door to communication and any lingering questions your children may have. Your case specialist will be able to recommend a title to you. Our Pinterest page also has a few titles for you to browse.

Depending on the comfort level of your intended parents, your children may or may not have access to the baby after delivery. You should consider if this “meet and greet” style of goodbye would help your child gain closure or confuse them more.

In most cases the children of surrogates take pride in their mother’s accomplishment and see it as a point of pride and achievement for the entire family. Offering them the chance to both celebrate the birth of a new baby, while also showing empathy to the sadness that comes with the end of your journey, will usually offer them enough support to make the transition a smooth one.

If you’re struggling with ways to talk with your children about the end of your journey, or if your children are having a hard time accepting the goodbyes, do know that your case specialist has experience with these emotions and can offer additional insight to help them cope.

Dr. Kim Bergman

Kim Bergman, PhD, a licensed psychologist of 26 years, has specialized in the area of gay and lesbian parenting, parenting by choice and third party assisted reproduction for over two decades. Dr. Bergman has created a comprehensive psychological screening, support and monitoring process for Intended Parents, Surrogates and Donors. She is the co-owner of Fertility Counseling Services and Growing Generations and is a member of the American Society for Reproductive Medicine, the American Psychological Association, the Los Angeles County Psychological Association, the Lesbian and Gay Psychotherapy Association, and the Gay and Lesbian Medical Association. She is on the national Emeritus board of the Family Equality Council. Dr. Bergman writes, teaches and speaks extensively on parenting by choice. Along with co-authors, she published “Gay Men Who Become Fathers via Surrogacy: The Transition to Parenthood” (Journal of GLBT Family Studies, April 2010). Dr. Bergman’s is the author of the upcoming book, Your Future Family: The Essential Guide to Assisted Reproduction (Conari Press 2019). Dr. Bergman created her own family using third party assisted reproduction and she lives with her wife of 35 years. Her two daughters are in college.