Three Don’ts of Surrogacy for Intended Parents

There are plenty of wonderful informative articles advising you about ways to have a successful surrogacy. What you may not find so easily are the “Don’ts of Surrogacy” for Intended Parents. That’s because there is no one right or wrong way to approach this journey of a lifetime. What works for one couple may not be at all desirable for another. With that said, here is a list of three things we’d like to encourage you to steer away from.

  1. Don’t be Rigid. Perhaps the quickest way to cast a shadow on your journey is to be rigid and opposed to change. During this process there are sure to be unforeseen circumstances that can slow things down, speed things up or completely put the brakes on your experience all together. Allowing yourself to be open to change and flexible with things like dates and medications will allow you to ultimately experience a better all-around journey.
  2. Don’t be Afraid to Ask Questions. Trust us, we’ve heard it all before. No matter what your question is, we want to make sure you’re informed and empowered to feel in control of your journey. From questions about terminology, the science of in vitro fertilization and what constitutes a strong Beta number to things like, “How often should I be calling my surrogate?” or “How do I tell my mother that she’s not invited into the delivery room?”, there are no questions that your team is not ready, willing and able to help you tackle. All you have to do is ask.
  3. Don’t be afraid to cry. From tears of joy to tears of frustration and every single emotion in between, don’t be afraid to really let yourself embrace each emotion. Surrogacy is a beautiful roller coaster ride that comes with highs as well as lows. It’s entirely normal to feel a range of emotions during the course of this journey. If you’re ever in doubt about how you’re feeling, reach out to your case specialist. It is our job to support you through each of the emotions you’ll face on your way to becoming a family.

Surrogacy is a long race with a stunning finish line. Giving yourself permission to approach it with an open mind and an eagerness to experience as much as you can will ultimately allow you to shape what your experience will look like.

Dr. Kim Bergman

Kim Bergman, PhD, a licensed psychologist of 22 years, has specialized in the area of gay and lesbian parenting, parenting by choice and third party assisted reproduction for the last two decades. Dr. Bergman has created a comprehensive psychological screening, support and monitoring process for Intended Parents, Surrogates and Donors. She is the co-owner of Fertility Counseling Services and Growing Generations and is a member of the American Society of Reproductive Medicine, the American Fertility Association, the American Psychological Association, the Los Angeles County Psychological Association, the Lesbian and Gay Psychotherapy Association, and the Gay and Lesbian Medical Association. She is on the national board of the Family Equality Council. Dr. Bergman writes, teaches and speaks extensively on parenting by choice. Along with co-authors, she published “Gay Men Who Become Fathers via Surrogacy: The Transition to Parenthood” (Journal of GLBT Family Studies, April 2010). Dr. Bergman created her own family using third party assisted reproduction and she lives with her wife of 28 years and their two teenage daughters.