When & How to Announce Baby News When Using IVF

 

The choice of when to share your pregnancy news with those around you is a moment so many parents-to-be dream about for years. When you’re becoming a parent through surrogacy, sometimes this announcement takes on new levels of anxiety and planning.

Intended parents often express stress over sharing their news, for fear of how it will be received. Will those around you have negative opinions of surrogacy or invasive questions? And, of course, what happens if a transfer doesn’t result in a pregnancy, or if a viable pregnancy ends up in a miscarriage? Balancing these worries with the excitement and joy bubbling just beneath the surface make it tricky to decide when to share your pregnancy news. Here’s a look at pros and cons of three different approaches.

No Nerves!

Some intended parents feel that sharing the news of a positive pregnancy test early allows friends and family to share in that initial excitement that they’re experiencing. It can be hard to keep such happy news a secret, especially when the road to pregnancy for most intended parents has been such a long one. Sharing your news early also entitles you to a bit of empathy for those new emotions and stresses that may be taking a toll on your life already.

However, sharing your news early, before the point of viability, opens you up to increased concern over having to share the news of a miscarriage or pregnancy loss.

Cautiously Excited.

The fear of having to tell friends and family about early pregnancy loss is what motivates many intended parents to wait to share their news. Many intended parents wait until the 12th week of pregnancy to share their pregnancy news, as the rate of miscarriage drops dramatically from this point on. Parents in this category generally feel as though withholding the news of a pregnancy until it appears to be very viable enables them a safety net in the unfortunate event of a first-trimester miscarriage.

Additionally, many parents-to-be wait until late first-trimester genetic tests have been done to share their news. This option allows for some time to keep the news just between yourself and sharing your news with friends and family. That period of intimacy can be very special for your partner and yourself.

Better to be Safe…

Finally, some parents choose to wait to share the news of their pregnancy until late in the third trimester, or even until after the birth. This choice is generally made by parents who are not wanting to face criticism or unsolicited advice during the pregnancy process. A late reveal is an option uniquely available to parents of surrogacy, as a third-trimester belly is very hard to hide! Going this route allows you to share the biggest news of your life in a dramatic way!

However, it also limits your pool of support from friends and family and makes for a long, lonely pregnancy. It’s hard to keep a secret this big, and you may find that close friends and family feel cheated out of experiencing the pregnancy with you if you choose this route.

What is important to remember is that there is no singular “right” time to share your pregnancy news. The right time for one parent may not be ideal at all for another. You’ll need to balance the desires for privacy, support, and inclusion as you decide when to share your news. This announcement is just the first of many new decisions that you’ll need to make from the heart.

Dr. Kim Bergman

Kim Bergman, PhD, a licensed psychologist of 22 years, has specialized in the area of gay and lesbian parenting, parenting by choice and third party assisted reproduction for the last two decades. Dr. Bergman has created a comprehensive psychological screening, support and monitoring process for Intended Parents, Surrogates and Donors. She is the co-owner of Fertility Counseling Services and Growing Generations and is a member of the American Society of Reproductive Medicine, the American Fertility Association, the American Psychological Association, the Los Angeles County Psychological Association, the Lesbian and Gay Psychotherapy Association, and the Gay and Lesbian Medical Association. She is on the national board of the Family Equality Council. Dr. Bergman writes, teaches and speaks extensively on parenting by choice. Along with co-authors, she published “Gay Men Who Become Fathers via Surrogacy: The Transition to Parenthood” (Journal of GLBT Family Studies, April 2010). Dr. Bergman created her own family using third party assisted reproduction and she lives with her wife of 28 years and their two teenage daughters.