Beginning your Journey as a Surrogate: 3 keys to a successful experience

Alivia and keySurrogacy is a collaborative effort among a whole group of people, all with the goal of helping someone become a parent.

Three things will help make your surrogacy journey successful:

  1. Trust: as a foundation, not a blind “do whatever we say” trust. It needs to be at the core and in all directions. It is so important that you feel good about this process, and know that once Growing Generations goes forward with you, we trust you, and we ask that you trust us in return.
  2. Communication: it is really important that there are good lines of communication between all the people on the team. Returning phone calls, texts, etc. Communicating anything going on in your life or with the surrogacy is essential for the journey. If you call your Intended Parents (IPs) and they don’t get back to you, it’s normal to worry, “Do they care? Are they involved? How will they have time to be parents?” etc., but really, it’s just that they are living their busy lives. Same goes for you. If your IPs call or email and don’t hear from you, their heads go a little crazy too and they may think “Is she okay? Did she move to Mexico? Is she having second thoughts” and I would tell them the same thing, that you’re just living you busy, full life. So I ask that you and the IPs give each other space, but at the same time, be respectful and return communication in a timely manner.
  3. Flexibility: this is not a linear process. Growing Generations will control everything that we can control, but there are many moving parts, and we can’t control them all. For example, when the transfer is scheduled, it is based on a lot of factors. It’s really important that you are fluid about your expectations and know that things can change. Dates, like the transfer and due date are moving targets. I promise you that there will be some inconvenient times during your surrogacy. For example, the date of the transfer may get set, you’ll set up your life for that, your childcare, travel, time off work, etc., and a week before the transfer, the doctor calls you and tells you that the transfer is going to be a day earlier or 2 days later than originally anticipated. Being flexible in times like these, will make the journey much easier! That I can guarantee.

It’s important to remember that Surrogacy is a marathon, not a sprint!

Dr. Kim Bergman

Kim Bergman, PhD, a licensed psychologist of 26 years, has specialized in the area of gay and lesbian parenting, parenting by choice and third party assisted reproduction for over two decades. Dr. Bergman has created a comprehensive psychological screening, support and monitoring process for Intended Parents, Surrogates and Donors. She is the co-owner of Fertility Counseling Services and Growing Generations and is a member of the American Society for Reproductive Medicine, the American Psychological Association, the Los Angeles County Psychological Association, the Lesbian and Gay Psychotherapy Association, and the Gay and Lesbian Medical Association. She is on the national Emeritus board of the Family Equality Council. Dr. Bergman writes, teaches and speaks extensively on parenting by choice. Along with co-authors, she published “Gay Men Who Become Fathers via Surrogacy: The Transition to Parenthood” (Journal of GLBT Family Studies, April 2010). Dr. Bergman’s is the author of the upcoming book, Your Future Family: The Essential Guide to Assisted Reproduction (Conari Press 2019). Dr. Bergman created her own family using third party assisted reproduction and she lives with her wife of 35 years. Her two daughters are in college.