Questions From Surrogates’ Partners

A surrogate’s partner is an active part of the surrogacy team. It’s crucial that you are able to have your questions answered and feel comfortable with the surrogacy process as well. We often hear the same questions from the significant others of potential surrogates. Here’s a look at the most common.

Will the baby have the surrogate’s DNA ?

No. The child of gestational surrogacy is formed from an egg taken from either the intended mother or an egg donor. There is no biological connection between the surrogate and the baby that she will be carrying.

How long do we have to abstain?

Most surrogates will be ordered to keep pelvic rest (a doctor’s order meaning no penetration, no intercourse, and no orgasms) for at least some part of the surrogacy. The exact amount of time varies person to person for a variety of reasons. In general you can expect to abstain from sexual intercourse for several weeks during the first trimester.

What happens if her life is at stake?

These crucial decisions are discussed with your Intended Parents during the matching phase and are included in your legal paperwork. It is a decision that all parties must agree on prior to moving forward with the process.


How long will she be on hormone therapy?

You can expect hormone therapy to begin about a month prior to the embryo transfer and conclude at the end of the first trimester. Of course this is a rough guideline and exact medications, dosages and durations can vary person to person.


Who calls the intended parents if something goes wrong?

Growing Generations takes care of informing the intended parents of all updates, good or bad. We encourage our surrogates not to break bad news, as it can cause stress to the relationship. In these tender medical situations, it’s best to let the doctors inform the intended parents of updates so that the intended parents have the opportunity to have their questions answered.


How much time will I need to take off of work?

If you are living with the potential surrogate, married or not, we will need you to plan on taking time off of work for both the screening process and the matching process. While the matching process is typically done via video conference from the comfort of your own home, the screening is completed in California and usually requires an overnight stay, unless you live along the west coast or in Arizona. Most of these requirements can be managed with minimal days missed from work. Many partners also choose to take time off of work to attend the embryo transfer and the birth. These are not required.

Something else you will want to consider is making sure that you and your partner share the same views on the big issues as well. These issues include number of embryos you’re willing to transfer, number of fetuses your partner is willing to carry, and what your feelings are in the event of a possible termination or reduction.

Dr. Kim Bergman

Kim Bergman, PhD, a licensed psychologist of 26 years, has specialized in the area of gay and lesbian parenting, parenting by choice and third party assisted reproduction for over two decades. Dr. Bergman has created a comprehensive psychological screening, support and monitoring process for Intended Parents, Surrogates and Donors. She is the co-owner of Fertility Counseling Services and Growing Generations and is a member of the American Society for Reproductive Medicine, the American Psychological Association, the Los Angeles County Psychological Association, the Lesbian and Gay Psychotherapy Association, and the Gay and Lesbian Medical Association. She is on the national Emeritus board of the Family Equality Council. Dr. Bergman writes, teaches and speaks extensively on parenting by choice. Along with co-authors, she published “Gay Men Who Become Fathers via Surrogacy: The Transition to Parenthood” (Journal of GLBT Family Studies, April 2010). Dr. Bergman’s is the author of the upcoming book, Your Future Family: The Essential Guide to Assisted Reproduction (Conari Press 2019). Dr. Bergman created her own family using third party assisted reproduction and she lives with her wife of 35 years. Her two daughters are in college.