Telling Your Boss About Surrogacy

When-to-Tell-Your-Boss-Maternity-Laws-article-RMTelling your boss that you’re pregnant can be stressful. When the baby you’ll be carrying isn’t your own, telling the boss your big news can seem overwhelming. Depending on your relationship with your boss and the workplace atmosphere, you’ll first need to decide if you’re an early sharer or a late sharer.

If you have an open relationship with your boss and you don’t feel as though the news would be ill received or put you in jeopardy, then sharing news of your surrogacy hopes early may be beneficial. Early sharing inspires open communications and trust while allowing you to be honest with your boss over the upcoming absences you’ll be taking for the transfer and monitoring appointments. Your boss will also be clued in to any tiredness or moodiness that tends to come with early pregnancy.

Many women do not feel comfortable sharing their goals until much later in the process. Some wait until a positive pregnancy test and others wait until the end of the first trimester. Delayed sharing allows you to keep their secret a bit longer in the sad possibility of an early miscarriage. Some women also feel as though their bosses would not authorize time away from work for these important medical procedures. If this is your situation, feel confident knowing you are not required to tell your boss why you’re missing work for medically related absences.

Whenever you choose to tell your boss about your surrogate pregnancy, it is probably best to schedule a time for the conversation in advance. A good call would be a time when this can be a one on one discussion without many distractions. A lunch break or other time when you’re off the clock is probably best.

Be sure to ensure your boss of any intentions you have for time off following the birth and, if you intend to return to work following the birth, ensuring your boss of this intention can help create calm. Finally, ask if he/she has any questions. Giving your boss the opportunity to ask questions about the process and what it means to your job performance is important.


Revised on 4/17/18

Kim Bergman, PhD, a licensed psychologist of 26 years, has specialized in the area of gay and lesbian parenting, parenting by choice and third party assisted reproduction for over two decades. Dr. Bergman has created a comprehensive psychological screening, support and monitoring process for intended parents, surrogates and donors. She is the co-owner of Growing Generations and is a member of the American Society for Reproductive Medicine, the American Psychological Association, the Los Angeles County Psychological Association, the Lesbian and Gay Psychotherapy Association, and the Gay and Lesbian Medical Association. She is on the national Emeritus board of the Family Equality Council. Dr. Bergman writes, teaches and speaks extensively on parenting by choice. Along with co-authors, she published “Gay Men Who Become Fathers via Surrogacy: The Transition to Parenthood” (Journal of GLBT Family Studies, April 2010). Dr. Bergman’s is the author of the book, Your Future Family: The Essential Guide to Assisted Reproduction (Conari Press 2019) as well as the children's book You Began as a Wish (Independent Press 2019). Dr. Bergman created her own family using third party assisted reproduction and she lives with her wife of 35 years. She has two adult daughters.