USING BOTH DADS’ SPERM: WHAT COUPLES USUALLY DECIDE (AND WHY)

For gay dads pursuing surrogacy, deciding whose sperm to use is one of the first major decisions in their path to parenthood. It can be exciting but can also bring up some unexpected pressure, especially if you are both trying to determine the best decision for your family building needs. 

In this article, we will walk you through the most common options available to you. We will also discuss the emotional impact of the process as well as the professional guidance available during this step of your family-building journey.

Why Deciding Whose Sperm to Use Matters in Surrogacy

This decision can influence how each partner experiences genetic connection and identity within the family you’re building.  It’s common for gay male couples to feel a mix of emotions from excitement and anxiety, to even guilt and hope. Working with a surrogacy agency like Growing Generations can help you navigate this decision.

How Conception Works for Two Dads: One Egg, One Sperm

An egg can only be fertilized by one sperm. Two sperms cannot fertilize the same egg, which means an embryo cannot be genetically shared by both dads in the way some people may think. Each embryo is created using one donor egg with one intended father’s sperm. Every embryo carries a genetic connection to the egg donor and to one dad.

If you’re still choosing an egg donor, it’s normal for that step to feel a little overwhelming. You don’t have to figure it all out on your own. We are here to help guide and support you through this process.

Common Ways Gay Couples Use Sperm in Surrogacy

There is no one-size-fits-all option. The right approach is the one that fits your goals, your timeline, and your vision for the family you are building. Here are some of the most common strategies to consider, along with the types of situations they tend to best support:

Single Sperm Donor

In a single sperm donor approach, one partner provides sperm for all embryos. This is often the most straightforward approach from a medical and financial perspective. 

For couples who feel aligned that one genetic connection is the priority right now, this can be an easy path to stand behind together. At the same time, it can bring up feelings about balance if both partners hope to have a genetic connection from the beginning.

Split IVF Cycles

In split IVF cycles, eggs are divided so embryos are created using both dads’ sperm. This option feels more balanced because it builds in a genetic connection for both of you. It requires more planning and, in some cases, more cost. 

It’s important to know that results can vary. Your partner may end up with more viable embryos than you, even when everything is done equally. This approach works best for couples who strongly value both partners having a genetic link and feel emotionally prepared for outcomes not to match perfectly on paper.

Alternating Pregnancies

Another common strategy is alternating pregnancies, where one child is conceived using one dad’s sperm, and a future child is conceived using the other dad’s sperm. Split IVF cycles make alternating pregnancies possible, especially if you want to guarantee the same egg donor. For many couples, this usually requires confidence about wanting more than one child and the timeline to get there. This approach often fits best for couples who already decided to expand their family beyond one child.

Intentional Uncertainty

Some couples choose intentional uncertainty, creating embryos using both dads’ sperm without identifying which embryo is genetically connected to which partner. For the right couple, this reduces pressure and allows the focus to stay where they want it: on the baby and their journey. 

Not everyone feels comfortable with uncertainty, and some clinics or legal/medical processes still track genetic origin. It’s a path that tends to work best for couples who feel secure in not attaching outcomes to one partner or the other.

No matter which approach you choose, you don’t have to navigate the process on your own. Consulting with a surrogacy agency can help you explore your options with confidence, so you can make a decision that feels right.

Emotional Considerations When Only One Dad Has a Genetic Connection

Even when you feel aligned with your partner, this choice can stir up a lot of emotions, from excitement about resemblance, anxiety about connection, grief if one partner can’t use their sperm, or worry that one dad may feel less seen. Your feelings are completely valid. It shows that you are invested in your family-building journey.

Having a conversation with your partner is the best way to process the emotional part of this process. Talk to each other about what genetic connection means to each of you. Some couples also find it reassuring to talk with a counselor because support can make this decision feel aligned.

Bipaternal Reproduction: Practical Factors for Same Sex Couples to Consider

A decision like this should include both the emotional and  the practical aspects of this process. LGBTQIA+ intended parents, there may be additional considerations to keep in mind. As you explore your options, here are some key factors to think about:

• Medical factors: Sperm quality can vary between partners, and it can also change over time. A semen analysis and basic fertility testing give you more information so you can make a plan based on results instead of assumptions. If a clinic recommends improving parameters, those steps can shape when you create embryos and how many you aim to create.

• Genetic outcomes and health considerations:  Many couples consider genetic carrier screening as a way to understand potential inherited risks before embryos are created. This helps if you’re deciding whether to use one dad’s sperm, split embryos between both dads, or plan for future children.

• Cost and logistics: The way you use sperm can affect the scope of the IVF process. Split cycles may involve additional lab steps, extra tracking, and more coordination. It can increase costs and impact timing: you may be coordinating testing, fertilization plans, and embryo storage in a more detailed way than if you’re using one partner’s sperm for all embryos.

• Family planning:  If you hope to have more than one child, it helps to think beyond the first transfer. Many couples think through how many embryos they want to create, whether they want to preserve embryos connected to both dads, and what storing embryos for future siblings might look like. These conversations can also shape decisions about timelines, budgeting, and how you want to pace your surrogacy journey.

• Legal and parental planning: Legal agreements and parentage planning protect everyone involved and help ensure your parental rights are established appropriately. This matters regardless of whose sperm is used. It’s especially important you are navigating cross-state or international considerations, future siblings, or specific documentation needs. The goal is peace of mind: knowing the legal foundation matches the family you’re building.

This is where professional guidance and expertise can help you with the process. A surrogacy agency can coordinate with medical and legal professionals so the plan supports your family. At Growing Generations, we are here to guide you through this process every step of the way.

How Conception Works for Two Dads: Common Pitfalls 

It’s completely normal to have some misconceptions about the surrogacy process, especially if this is your first time as an intended parent. These assumptions are common and easy to clarify. Here are some of the most common misunderstandings we see:

Thinking two sperm can fertilize one egg

A lot of couples begin by imagining an embryo that is “half from each dad.” Biologically, that isn’t how fertilization works. One egg is fertilized by one sperm, which means each embryo will have one genetic father and the egg donor’s genetics. If you want both partners represented genetically, that usually means creating embryos from both dads.

Assuming both dads will automatically end up with an equal number of embryos.

Even when eggs are divided evenly, embryo outcomes can vary widely. Fertilization rates, embryo development, and genetic testing results don’t always line up evenly between partners. This isn’t anyone’s fault. It’s simply how biology plays out. Going in with the expectation of equal embryos can create unnecessary disappointment, so it helps to talk early about what fair means to you if the results aren’t identical.

Rushing the decision before reviewing medical testing or clinic guidance

It’s easy to want to move quickly once you’ve chosen an egg donor or found a surrogate match but medical information can change your plans. A semen analysis, genetic carrier screening, and clinic recommendations can provide clarity about which approach gives you the best chance of success. Taking time to gather the facts can protect your timeline and reduce stress later.

Minimizing emotional differences between partners

Two people can want the same goal and still experience the genetic piece differently. One partner might feel strongly about a biological connection; the other might feel more flexible or the feelings might shift over time. When couples assume they should feel identical, they sometimes stop sharing honestly. A better goal is to stay curious about each other’s experience and keep the conversation open, especially if one partner is carrying more uncertainty or pressure.

Think of these as learning points. Most couples don’t start with perfect clarity on day one. They get there through extensive research, honest conversations, and supportive guidance that helps the decision feel shared.

Making the Right Choice for Your Family

There isn’t a perfect choice or a one-size-fits-all option. The best choice is the one that fits your relationship, your values, and your vision of the family you’re building together.

You don’t have to go through this process alone. Support from an experienced surrogacy, egg, and sperm donation agency can help you understand your options clearly and support you through every step of your journey. If you are ready to take your first step, we, at Growing Generations, are here to help. Find out more at www.growinggenerations.com.